Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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