So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
