The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
