a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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