Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
