There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
