At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
