But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
