I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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