he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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