you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
