Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
