guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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