He uses pillows to masturbate.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
