She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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