Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
