saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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