did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
