my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
