Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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