I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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