eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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