I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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