dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
