i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
