peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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