You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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