She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
