yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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