I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
