Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We need to get me chipped asap
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
