i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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