just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
