I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
