Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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