John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
