i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
