I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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