He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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