WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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