He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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