I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
