omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
