I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
being pregnant is like rehab
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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