turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
