my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
