when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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