Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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