Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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