She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
