I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
