I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
