I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
