I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
